invisablemisserable

pamelas'

2006-08-07T19:55:42Z

Im sorry about earlier and the misserable faces i made into mu coffee mug that unessecary banter
about money orders on the sidewalk and the almost tears. Im sorry I drink until no one is annoying and I dont wear my seatbelt when your not in the car. The best part about last night was dominating the jutebox and forcing music into everyones eardrums which helped water down some of the bullshit. If i was bigger i would rob people. when he opens his mouth i want to kick him in the face or permanently clog my hearing. The difference between horse raceing and fast car raceing is the enterance exam to question to Overrated Information and also a fine way to weed out all the undesierables. The answer is ofcourse a different floor material and banked curves but we could get more specific with liquor and spectator dialect. Ive already been weeded out and I am certainly undesierable but Im concidering fucking it all and breaking back into Overrated Information with some homemade explosives so I can learn to meditate a whole slew of truly worthless men out of my bother and hopefully my spelling wil also improve.....maybe then i wont half cry onto coffee mugs and scrambled eggs and a very confused alcoholic.

one of my more finest moments.

2006-04-24T23:34:21Z

ok. so first picture this dress. probably the prittiest dress ive ever worn. its a tight halter top with a bottom that slightly poofs out with that netting looking stuff peaking out its about 3 inches up from my knees white and brown i love lucy polka dots. hillary twisted my dreds up with little pink roses and i was wearing my new york blackout heals : )

the rugby formal was lots of fun...nothing too crazy i thought.... i remember everything except for about 20 minutes where i walked from slops house to my house to get drugs and then to jays house where i stayed untill this morning . so i walk home this morning and come into a kitchen full of my drunk friends and they start screaming that they didnt know where i was and they called the police casue they thought i got arrested etc. since i havent been home in days... apparently this is what happened..

i walked into my neighbors house in my little polka dot dress and heals, slapped one of their unsuspecting friends across the face and pulled a switch blade out from under my dress that was clipped onto my undies and opened it and waved it around, then left into the night without a word.

i wish someone would have video taped this assult or something to play at my funural. absolutly rediculous.

its 6:08 in the morning and i know everything there is to know about soviet russia and the cold war.

2006-04-19T10:18:13Z

I started 10 pm and digested 5 hours of documentarys, talked to my drunk neighbor, smoked a bong, drank 4 red bulls and wrote 3 pages of my Soviet Russian Final. conclusion - the united states is an asshole and caused the cold war. the soviet russia is an asshole, but at least a cutthroat intence one.

i wrote my gothic final durring a 8 hour library stint last night at the library. then Dr C gave me an extention till thursady becasue I love her and have a girl crush on her and seriously think she is my hero.

zach came over . very odd. but enjoyable. i love alli

red bulls are weird.

weird bulls are red.

bulls red weird.

i havent slept in so long.bullredweird.

i need a pritty stranger i think. someone disgustingly new and fresh. i dont even need to know his name. he just should be mysterious and utterly good in bed. what i really need to do is stop thinking about J. ok in my own defence i have cut back a decent amount, and are at more times happy then sad as apposed to last week. but these silly tricks like running into him on the sidewalk at 1:30 am are just uncessicary . really.

adgenda for the rest of the week:
now - finish this paper
work on gothic final for the rest of the night/morning
hand in this paper and stay alive through 1:00
read some of the dark is rising - eat food
go to class till 8:30
come home, convince my neighbor i should not consume PBR
finish revising gothic final and write essay answers and finish the dark is rising
be alive by thursday 4:00 to take quiz
at 5:15 get oblitterated untill i forget who am i or where i am and wake up somewhere else with questions/regrets/marker on my face/weirdos in my phonebook/strange injuryes.
then find a job with mackay and smoke an 8th of his weed.

then die or become a junior or something
i fuckinghatethissong

ok its 6:17 i should write 2 more pages of this final then go find 2 inches of water to drown in. since thats all i need you know.

i hate fasfa. i hate boys. i wanna go get high and make out with lebo - fuck school work

2006-04-13T03:51:49Z

POEM I WROTE AFTER A COMPLETE STRANGER ON THE SIDEWALK OFFERED ME 500$ TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM

And just what has the sidewalk come to when seventeen year old boys cross their legs like intelligent business men and window-shop women out front of an expensive coffee shop.

I believed I was a sophomore walking to English class but that was just a projection I drew on the inside of my eyelids to ignore the littered runway in which I put myself on display in a denim miniskirt and dirty flip-flops.

I forgot I was a whore
which is a word used to describe a buyable, tradable, sellable consumer product with warm humanlike qualities between her legs. The technology these days is incredible; she even smiles like a real live girl.
I forgot my services were negotiable.
So I lied through my eyelids and acted a level five horrified. I wanted to take him to a bookstore to spend that $400 the right way, starting with Masturbation for Dummies and graduating into onto How to Effectively Date Rape in High School written by a collaboration of most of your guy friends and edited by the Greek Situation for a hell of a deal of $29.95.
Instead I just acted pissed off and wondered where his mother was.
So I went home to liquor and boys I flirt with and boys I fuck who and traded standard prostitution for a similar process that replaces a monetary transaction with affection.
I go on the supermarket shelf in my nicest tank top and mascara with a half priced sale sign on the weekend. I run for 12 hours on 4 triple A batteries and a six pack. They trade my simulated human qualities for a few hours of hand-holding and then I expire.
Any logical financial advisor would tell me to go back to the sidewalk and open a bank account. After all I can’t play my phone bill with a love letter.

(note the bitterness and historically connect to me and j scott breaking up on friday)

dont read if your in a good mood

2006-03-24T01:42:36Z

the best part about being sad is knowing why your sad so that you can turn sad into angry and get it all out but i cant figure out why im sad. i feel very lost. i feel like ive been doing a good job of pissing everyone off lately. namely the roomates. i cant do anything right apparently, i ruin carpets and chairs and tables and walls and floors and hookas. i loose my keys . i think ive got scapegoat written across my forehead i had the flu and he wouldnt come make me soup so i bottled up everything. the lack of flowers on valenties day, the lack of really anything supprising and drank 6 shots of gin and went and screamed at him. i dont even remember what i said. i just really feel defeated. i dont make anybody happy and the only time anyone listens is when im belligerant. i really wish i could just dissapear with no loud noises

dock of the bay

2005-08-29T06:39:30Z

well im in the burg and for a long time in a while i feel comfortable. doubtfully i will return to allentown this summer. hahahaha the best i can say it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. i hsve officially worn out my welcome at home in 3 months. i fell head over heals for someone. its been intresting at the least and now im here my computer is infront of the antique mirror my mom gave me and my extreamly large bob dylan poster was tacked up exactly on the wall behind me so i sit and look in the relfection and try to make the same face. the times are a changin is what is written at the bottom, and i have the feeling they are. my apartment is sweet, my friends are fabulous, my classes are rediculus, and my boyfriend is fantastic. i see nothing but happyness in what is to come. i rolled a boxspring and a mattress down the street today with the ambitions of a mile and made a few friends in the process, unloaded a uhaul for one of them and made 30 bucks. wtf? i love it here. my bed is a pile of pillows on the floor but no worries, i have the marshmellow gun and a beerstine from my stepmom. ive beeen weird with possessions lately, the more worthless and ugly u are the more i am attracted to you. the opposite has gone for my love life. so that is all for tonite i am retireing with the last sip of my bottle of white zinfendel to the corner of my room i call my bed with thoughts of sugerplums stuck in my head, along with thoughts of him. apparently ive been drinking. : )

jeeze o man

2005-07-18T03:13:38Z

i dont even want to start to explain the crazyness of this summer becasue as he says "to even give that week justification we would have to put a pot of coffee on" and that was just the beginning .

we could say everything went insain in that week, which yeah, it certainly snowballed when he started dog sitting across the lawn from me for a week. monday we were friends from work who joked around, and went on the occassional burn ride after hours. less than 7 days later ive: lost my car been drunk and high or hungover for as long as i can rememeber, accused of breaking into my own house and breaking the patio, kicked out of my house, very nearly kicked out of my OTHER house, living out of a bookbag and on duncan donuts, caught nearly cheeting on my boyfriend, and suffering the consiquences, while romantically tangled up with the very attractive male version of my free spirit. and i mean romantically TANGLED. and i would wake up every morning stunned out of my mind about the events of the night before, walk across the lawn, get in his car where he has a coffee collada waiting for me and he would play me a song to make me feel better and it was almost always the rolling stones. i would put my feet up on the dashboard and he would turn the volume up too loud to talk about what in the hell was going on, thank god. and they would laugh at work.

we were trainwrecks headed on the same track of complete disaster. while he was actually running into things like signs, my situation was a tad more figurative. somehow we ran into eachother.smacked our skulls around a bit and decided we were good for one another. now instead of just two seperate accedents waiting to happen our negitive energy kind of imploded upon itself.

not to say we still dont fuck shit up, because we do. we make absolutly the worst and best couple at the same time, and i would explain that if i could but i honestly cant.

it started out with little adventures like missing exits and almost running out of gas on windey back roads somehwere outside of kutztown past midnight, then we woke up hungover in his bestfriends bed on some randon friday and decided to go to new york city, so we took the bus up hung out in time square, went shopping and to a shitty art gallery and then a swank dinner follwed by 3 bottles of wine and some rum and coke at the bar which might be why we absoltuly did NOT make it on the last bus back to allentown. so he carried me around the streets in the rain looking for any hotel that would take the only cash we had left after the near 2oo$ resturant and bar tab (dont forget about the 93$ sunglasses and the 60$ stillettoes ect ect ect..well we wound up in a fear and loathing reminicent 90 bucks a night durtbag hotel room where he refused to have sex with me because he thought i might not remember. then i met his parents the next morning when they drove up to rescue us and take us back to work and the rest of the real world.
and my father was quite angry. mostly because i forgot to tell him in the first place that i was going to new york. and oh did they laugh at work..

as if we had masterd the day-trip sinerio in any way shape or form ( we definetly did not) we then decided to take a long weekend with my cousin and his friends at the jersey shore. the kid calls me and says hes out of all the alcohol they brought for the week. so we stock up jeffs car with enough booze to last just the two of us for a month and head east. we have a hell of a good time with my cousin andhis friends. to my utter disbelief we watch some random boy shit himself twice, and he drops the L bomb. also as facinating, we discover white russians. and look damn fine together. i puked once, i think he cryed once, we faught to the tooth about i dont even know what every time we drank, and did a number on eachothers reproductive organs. and beat every good ancherman quote to death. woke up in new jersey saterday morning at 530am and drove to allentown to make it in time for work at 8 am.

more recently weve been staying local with these adventures, sloppy at hillarys house, and kidnapping homless kids from the bronxs on our day off. ok. that one deserves elaboration:

i got my mom a marshmellow gun for her birthday and decided to die my hair when i was drunk. drove to walgreens, (not one of my better ideas) and got a red tinted brown look. on the way out the door i get hit up for directions to quakertown from this real hopeless looking black kid hangin out in from of walgreens. well we ended up talking for a while and i got the gist of his situation, his mom sent him to visit his aunt, the bus dropped him off a few towns over, he had no cash, no way to get ahold of his mom OR his aunt and was about to start walking to quakertown. naturally i wanted to help but had a little to much going on at the moment with the whole drinking and driving, while my parents are at home, and trying not to break curfew. next morning i wake up feeling like not so much a million bucks, get ahold of jeff, make some PBJ sandwitches and go look for the kid. so we find him on the curb on south 4th st and hang out for a bit while we eats some sandwhiches and we try to think of a solution. then jeff invites him to go on a burn ride..naturally. so we "lite up" and drive around allentown with this random lost kid from ny in the back of the jeep. well apparently we get lost on these back roads again,..end up in bethlehem, 20 minutes away. this kids high as hell and geeking OUT because apparently he doesnt smoke ALOT and we got him retarted. now he thinks some crazy fucking white people kidnapped his sorry ass, gave him poisened PBJ sandwiches and are takeing him to the middle of nowhere to rape and leave for dead. oh it was hysterical. fortunetly we found our way back to walgreens, dropped him off stoned and spotted him 25$ for the bus ticket. and thats how we met thomas.

in the middle of all of this summer insainity scott slipped through my fingers. i feel so unclear about that whole situation that i really need to step back and figure out what in the hell happend while everything was wizzing by like warp speed. im not even sure how i feel about it. i just know that im pritty sure im a pritty big peice of shit.

on a lighter note i got rearended the other day.

too much ray charles and tastefull clothing

2005-05-08T04:27:27Z

three a-brest with a sad sack of potatoes in the middle. just slap some tight black pants on me and get me started on talkin about feelings. if emo were a spanish word tonite i am ema. if this were a game of monopoly - i would be hording this property with my life - do not pass go - do not collect one boyfriend - go straight to jail. F .

honest to god real life conversation that just happend about 10 minutes ago :
jessi (enter house)
dad - jessi i want to talk to u
jessi - wassup
dad - i found something you had in the fridge
jessi - (on a sidenote) damn i left my leftovers at scotts!
jessi - what was it?
dad - drugs
(he is obveously refering to the 8th of shrooms i had not so skillfully hidden behind the lettus)
jessi - oh, sorry, i moved them
dad - dont do it again
jessi - ok

(jessi exits the room)

- and now we will pause and reflect on the rediculousness of this family -

i decided im going to start surfing and stop "hideing" drugs around my kitchen. i also need to knock off the ema. fast. ive been grass cutting like its my job. oh and did i mention im a bartender now? yessir i make a mean long island ice tea. and i think for a day job i might be a landscaper. me and all my 110 lbs.
i moved to the basement and i have my own bathroom sliding glass door to the outside world internet connection/computer AND fridge (where i now keep all my drugs) .

round these parts..

2005-05-03T23:31:51Z

so the first thing i did when i got home (right after i gave into the temptation to call homeboy) was lay face down on my pillow and cry a river. which acuratly portrays my feelings on comming home. except for the homeboy part which, strangly? is makeing me feel very girley and valurnable. perhaps its about time i felt valurnable.

its been alot of hanging out with the younger ones, which i really actually do enjoy a great deal. spent the day today diving them all over the universe of allentown to piano practices, baseball games, and other afterschool activities designed to keep them away from drugs and other bad choices. well, hell, i never had piano lessions or all that jazz, and my decisions are good. and yes occasionally i am on drugs. anyhow alot of my happyness comes directly from thoes kids.

i love how i walk into my dining room and this kid who came to see ME after months of not seeing me is actually dragging my sister screaming across the wooden floor by her one foot while my brother is hanging off his back kicking and punching and trying to steal his cell phone. and there all having a hell of a good time! i absolutly love it : ) i see that and i want him to be the dad of my kids one day. i mean, how comfortable can you be with your significant other when he is playing with your 9 yr old sister, she slips, falls on her butt and squeezes out a fart and they both just start laughing hysterically. there is nothing better then that.

i feel like parts of my heart are missing, thats how lonely it is without gina and sarah and katy and whit and all my pitt lovies.

and where the poop is colleen?!

ps this summer is going to be rediculous, i traided drinking for smokeing weed(in an agreement with my dad ) and im moveing down to the basement with my own bathroom padio and sliding glass door YEEEEEEEAH!

grumpy

2005-04-29T00:25:42Z

i dont want to go home. i think im the only one. sorry but i LOVE college and the only thing i am looking forward to at home is seeing my family. colleen too, but she counts as family. what i really wanna do is get in my underwhere and lay in my roomates bed and take a nap with my friends, not even a nap, just giggle with them. im afraid to see him. im afraid were going to get together. im afraid im going to waste all my childhood and youth and good years with just some boy when there is thousands of boys in the world and . i feeel like screaming and fighting and kicking and throwing and running in the exact opposite direction. except for the first time in my life, i dont want to run away..

i really just want to stay. : (

4 am and so productive

2005-04-25T08:07:56Z

i feel marvelous about the 9 hours i spent at the library today. where was all this determination and hard working ethic all semester? i think i drowned it with iron city lite.

exams : start on wensday, ive been prepairing since saturday, i have two whole empty days to study before they start and i feel very optimistic about how this could turn out. i just planned my time this time better and i think its going to be good folks!

noah: spent alot of time watching me study today. didnt do much of his own studying, but held my flash cards for me as i wrote them up. it was like haveing a sidekick and a warm body to sit next to. very nice : )

noahs roomate: funny kid. i like him. where is the new jersey accent from? i think ill hook him up with my roomate, he seems to be in favor of the idea too.

instead of the other 50 pages of anatomy

2005-04-20T07:36:29Z

just down down downers to keep me up all night
so i can stare the words and then turn the page,
and my mind can meander, in this doped up haze.
with the iners and outs and uppers and shouters - to make me feel just right
mabey stay foccused on this sentence, for a minute, i fight.
to devour more and more, material, and at this stage
with the coffee i chase, the pills i sink
and the shit i snort - i can no longer think
so i just drown down downers to ignore the grade
and snort up sniffers to keep me awake.

http://community.webshots.com/photo/326460507/326461409wKHQNi

yeah, thats whats been up, not really to that extreme. none of that stuff is ever about me

in all reality, let me tell you about what the inside of a cop car looks like..from the FRONT seat : ) becasue i got a personal escourt ride home from the ER. not becasue i cant walk, or see, or anything outragious. just becasue it was late and oh im A SKINNY WHITE GIRL. but its pritty awsome ill tell you, the engine of a courvette, and all sorts of cool buttions that he wouldnt let me push. it was like a kid in a candy store! how fun : )

then i met up with the shyer half and we hung out on our favorite tresspassing spot and looked at campus a few billion stories up and watched the medicopters fly much sicker people then me in from all over the area. untill about 4 am. dont ever let me take this for granted. this feeling.

4:59 and its already been a hell of a day

2005-04-18T21:05:32Z

SO im sitting in the waiting section at the emergency room, which is really a phenominal concept i might add. the WAITING section in the EMERGENCY room. this is where you sit and page through medical magazines and put your little emergency on hold untill they call your name. Where then you tell these lab coat people every single number youve ever even thought of memorizing in your whole lifetime plus some others including your fathers bithday and social security number. then you wait more. then they call you into another room to take vital signs to make sure after all that waiting you are still alive and therefore even worth treating, becasue if you are dead i am sure they would just send you off to the dead-waiting room to wait untill you suddenly come back to life again long enough to be billed a bigillion dollars for the fabulously fast paced servaces of the ER

ok enough sarcasm.

so im in between the numbers and the vital signs waiting stage and this guy on crutches hobbles to the seat next to me, sits down, askes if im related to the person sitting on the other side of me who looks absolutly nothing like me and then begins to tell me about how he got SHOT in both legs while being stood up in new jersey by a bunch of punks. he knocked one out, but the other one got em'. but nevertheless, this guy is still walking, somewhat, 6 days later. so im thinking, wow, luckey guy, maybe he is jesus renncarrnates. so imdoing my best to be really nice. so after he tells me his life story, which is like 2 hours in length, he asks to borrow my cell phone, where he calls about 13 different women, calls them all sweetheart, and then tells me what numbers to play in the lottery

so the point to the story is.. i never saw a doctor, i have pritty definet vital signs, and i played the lottory becasue some crazy guy who got shot in each leg told me to and i have a good feeling about it.

i hope everyone else has a good day too.

a little bit of c....

2005-04-12T04:20:24Z

when he talks he puts his face in my hair or next to my face or physically on my lips but he doesnt kiss me. hes just the closest talker i ever met. and we actually hold coversations like this. not so much in public. and there extremely unsexy coversations. like perhaps about how the cycle of one by one getting rid of all the old books in the library to make way for the new ones is in a way saddening but also very similar to how a human recycles his own body cell by cell. amd his laugh his extremely louder than his talking voice but thats how i can tell he is REALLY truly laughing, and ive only made him do this twice so far. once about pandas. and we connect on the stangest level of observations. and everytime he speaks i want to fall into his brain.

and if he ever has anything romantic to say to me i hope he says it in french becasue i do not want to know what it is, i want to keep hopeing and guessing forever.

so he started to tell me something sweet in english, and then switched to french..

2005-04-11T15:50:47Z

so where are the subtitles of life ? when you most need them?

the bad news:
i stood in front of 60 honor students in a lecture hall in the biggest yellow wings and antenas, and rapped about how social i am. quiet possibly the most self-emmbarassing situation i have ever worked myself into. totally voluntairly.
the good news:
he said i looked hot, and i had the nerve to get up and tell jokes afterwards.
the bad news:
i didnt win. and the jokes werent that great.
the good news:
mikey and i broke it off
the bad/good news:
...only too hook up the next night.
the bad news:
he left without saying goodbye
the good news:
..i dont really care...
the good news:
we went to a toga party in full greek aray.
the bad news:
no one else seemed to remember it was a toga party.
the good news:
everyone felt so bad for us that they got us alot drunk and put on togas to even out the ratio.
the rest of the good news:
we were then drunk ..and in togas. : )

i have really lots of other wonderful things to say. but im in too shitty of a mood to get into it really.

incredible

2005-04-08T17:06:57Z

1 pair of heavy duty wire cutters
3 extra sweatshirts
1 bag of brownies
1 camera with no batteries
2 pritty intoxicated freshman

and i am glad the camera had no batteries because what i saw i only want to remember with my brain and eyes.

. i cant even describe

i make out with water fountians.

2005-04-07T03:21:29Z

i saw saturns rings, i saw jupiters bands, some sort of a solar nebula, and i really liked driving through pittsburgh. i havent felt like a place was really mine the way i feel like i belong here. i dont want to go back to allentown. there is still so much left i want to do here.

today was such a sundress day
i tryed real hard not to call you, and then i ran into you, literally, while i was running. which blew that plan to hell. how can i not croud u out when your always around?

he called me at 4 am, when i was going to bed, and he was going to work, intresting the way that works...

its going to be another almost all nighter . and with that im off to do work!

sah ill see you when i see you.

2005-04-06T03:58:39Z

passive, nonchalaunt, chilled out, cool as a cucumber, loveing twisting that nail deeper and ill smile too while i do it.

heres a bitch - "i thougnt we werent going to croud eachother out" so sorry. dont worry it wont happen again. see if you can find me.

passive? maybe not so much maybe passionfull. and now here i am all showered wishing i could go for another run. alright enough being bitter and proud and vengefull...

i soaked up enough sun for a solar powered something, then i ran untill i puked on the stares. more like dry heave i guess. i read that book he gave me, i liked alot of it, didnt understand a fair amount of it, and was left feeling like i was outside of some cute inside joke. im thinking that might have been the point, you fucking hyprocrite. sometimes i wish the english language had me te se nos os like spanish, to show in which direction the action is thrown, becasue then i would have said, "im thinking that might have been the point, you (me) fucking hyrprcrite. my roomate taught us how to salsa dance, that was time much better spent then doing homework. unfortunetly now i am to pissed off to do homework and i might go run and listen to amnesiac instead. what a waste of shampoo. fuck.

talking.

2005-04-04T21:54:23Z

spent the day with skeeter got lost up in a dryed out fountain doing headstands and figuring out what the statue was while he had a good excuse to take pictures of me being taller then the cathedral. yah know, keepin it not so serious.

exploited a good sunny day pretending to study and really i enjoy how you speak in multable choice question format. if your skin was blue and your last name valentino, i wouldnt even blink.

couldnt be more precious.

so youll stop and read a poem that bolsters my point of view in the middle of a stupid fight. so this is why we got along so well. this is why.

footnote:

2005-04-04T02:45:10Z

and HE is such a jerkface, and he just told me he has been a jerkface to everygirl he dated. which makes me think, well damnit, i wish he was only a jerkface to me. what a readiculus thing to be jealous over. i was sort of hopeing he was NICE to all the other girls.
oreo (9:53:59 PM): i dont wanna bring out the bitch in you

lets talk about our feelings. all the cool kids are doing it now.

2005-04-04T02:31:19Z

lets all fight to get a spot in the credits. what are you doing in sarver, party girl? yesterday i spent 15$ and made at least 13 people real happy and had a hell of a time doing it. thats the best spent 15 $ all semester. and today i baught a 20 dollar tea-shirt, what a fucking waste. i dont think its about buying friendship. i think its more about contribution. i figure, ive had almost a whole year of nonstop basically free fun. ive gotten drunk, ive gotten high, ive gotten laid, ive been drivin all over the world, taken to dinner, the works. so why not give back a little?
his heart was beating really fast and i am a stupid girl and i asked why and he said, becasue that is how i feel. which was a really awsome answer. it said absolutly nothing.

soap opera style,

2005-04-02T20:14:58Z

you bring out the BITCH in me. This weekend has been good concidering last night was terrible and thursday night was terribly out of control. I have a circular black and blue mark on my forhead and I know it has something to do with a guy named bulldog trying to put me through the front window. I told you guys i had good luck, i could have actually went THROUGH. I dont think ive had that much fun in a long time : ) then last night, why am i attracted to you? your passed out hanging over a fence. just piss me off becasue you think im hot when im mad.
it felt awsome to run through shenley with thoes boys. friendship might run along the lines of getting hammered, danceing on top of a keg, murdering someones thermostat with a hammer, then wakeing up going for a wholesom run/walk/jog with the same kids who kicked your drunk ass out of there house the night before.

I love the durty south. a month left isnt enough time. and im going to have to agree, its not the destination im headed for, its the woah what a ride. sittin in my sweatpants on the sidewalk infront of my dorm, havent showered, looking pritty close to homeless, turning my 15 dollars into a gram of what im almost certain is awful bud. not like it matters to me. '

it seems like there has been alot of covert anger lately. whats happend to our confrontational abilites? is nonconfrontational just a excuse to keep the drama down? I hand out forgiveness like free candy. i cant count the times ive been told lately by boys that i was a "chill girl" last night at least 5 guys told me i was there new favorite person. for what? getting your cup to the keg faster? or laughing at all your jokes. for the record i laugh because its funny. i guess im just easy ammused. and meanwhile the kid im taken care of is screaming in my face, something about having a boyfriend, cant say i was paying attention, apparently i was too busy being a BITCH. i think i love it.

i should stop laughing at everyones jokes. ill end up snuffed out like the last duchass. but at least my aim buddy list will be full.

theres nothing like telling someone to get the fuck out your face because you never want to see or talk to them ever again, and then they grab you and kiss bon voyage titanic style, like you havent been kissed drunk that way in a fucking long time and god, you bring out the BITCH in me.

i cant count how many times i smiled in the last week for no reason at all

2005-03-30T21:20:12Z

My baby sister called me on Easter and left me a message of just her talking to herself and playing videogames, I dont think she realized she was leaving a message, and then you can hear my dad come into the room and hes talking to her about the videogame and showing her how to save her highscore as her name, the last thing before my voicemail cuts out is her spelling her name outloud.

Im not sure if anyone loves anyone else as much as I love my little brother and sisters.

Being so tight with the people who are cloestest to me everyday is such a good feeling. : ) I dont think im ready to move off campus yet.. Im going to miss these people like CRAZY. Decided im going to throughly enjoy the rest of my projected age lifestyle, which means a temporary break from him. If he still wants to be with me when im done with this 4 years than i suppose its a good thing, i definetly dont believe in "ment to be." if he is with someone else, that is life, im going to just have to be happy for him finding happyness. but thats way to far into the future, right now im just lookin at leavin the burgh on a good ass note, and having a killer summer. : ) cant wait to go home to him and be actually together for the first time in a LONG time.

I got into lambda sigma, its not as impressive as i probably feel inside my head, but I personally am very proud to be both a member of a geeky greeky honors frat, and also hold the title most likely to be encarcerated. i think the best part was the email my dad sent me which included saying he was proud of me. i think the last time he said that i was 16 and it was a birthday card and it said " i am proud to have you for a daughter" bottom line it made me feel awsome.

cant wait to get this tatoo, its hard to explain how much it means to me, it has alot to do with my childhood. i think im going to get it and then show my mom, i know she wont be happy that i have a tatoo but i bet shell love it : )

today is a very good day : ) and tonite should be nice too

confessions of an underage lush, or more.

2005-03-27T19:33:24Z

Im sorry I hid in your closet and knocked everything over.
Im sorry I broke into your house ...Just to say hi
Im sorry I kissed you and don't remember it.
Im sorry I didnt pick up my phone
Im sorry you werent having any fun
Im sorry that I almost knocked over your christmas tree
Im sorry I forgot to call you back
Im sorry I called my mom and woke her up.
Im sorry I threw up in the shower.
Im sorry I passed out in the hallway.
Im sorry I wouldnt let you pull me into a bedroom
Im sorry I just dont fuck around anymore
And to tell you the truth, I'm really not.

why didnt this work?

2005-03-22T22:30:28Z

FIRSTS:
1.First best friend: first best friend, still best friend, always will be best friend colleen marie
2.First car: hand me down from my dad, we used to sit in it before we could drive and smoke cigars snort assorted herbs and be cool.
3.First real kiss: will gasper went to kiss me on my trampoline and the collar of my coat got in the way and he kissed my zipper. Im pritty sure he didn’t try again.
4.First break-up: the first one that hurt was in 9th grade, matt dumped me for dyeing my hair black and then tried to get with colleen.
5.First screen name: littlegiirl?
6.First self-purchased album: I think it was hanson
7.First funeral: matts dads.
8.First pets: a treefrog my aunt smuggled on the plane from florida. It hopped away, way to fuck up the ecosystem jesus!
9.First piercing/Tattoos: first tatoo was when I was 16 on easter weekend in north carolina on a trip with my grandma, my cousins took me, they didn’t ID me and I got a rubber duck. Im very proud to say that I still have yet to regret it four years later, I still think it is cool, four years later, it still has nothing to do with anything, and my parents still do not know about it. I like to think it represents my adventurness/spurr of the momentness/inner child. I got my self peirded the day after my 18th birthday. I never screamed so loud and I almost passed out. The first boy I ever truly loved held my hand and turned shades of white. I like the balance it throws off by the fact that I have never had anything else on my body ever pierced, and I like the shocking yet secret nature I share with thoes who are awair of it.
10.First credit card: baught millions of cosmetics, junk food, and absolutly unnecessary items from cvs and walmart during a wonderful time in my life when there was no monetary limit to obtaining what I wanted, and a time when buying things was the last thing on my mind. It couldn’t have been more perfect or more of a waste of shear opportunity.
12.First enemy: as far as putting myself in harms way, myself. As for the loose definition of the word enemy, shane. Yet then again, I myself am also an enemy there.
13.First big trip: disney world with my parents, san fransico with my dad.
14.First music you remember hearing in your house: simon and garfunkle at the apaton, early 90s hip hop in my moms car, lots of blues, lots of classic rock around the house.

LASTS:
1.Last cigarette: never smoked a cigarette in my life, I took a drag through my nose today at the library though.
2.Last car ride: Sunday morning back to pitt from servier while my driver tells me storys of flipping his car drunk and almost driving off a bridge.
3.Last kiss: I shyed away from it, ive always hated PDA
4.Last good cry: I was dressed like a gangsta drinking straight out of a keg laying on a bed. But that wassnt a good cry, the last time I really got chocked up was when I was accused of not having feelings I did have I said “just because I don’t show my feelings doesn’t mean I don’t have them” I have no idea where that came from, that thought has never even occurred to me before. All I can think about is my dad.
5.Last library book checked out: I don't even know. I generally just read them there.
6.Last movie seen in theatres: I think it was with scott over chirstmas break, I think it was oceans 12, I hit him as hard as I could with my purse across the face.
7.Last beverage drank: waterd down ice tea – how ironic
8.Last food consumed: box of triskets
9.Last crush: says things like “raggin it” and isnt even nice to me.
10.Last phone call: I woke scott up to say goodnite.
11.Last time showered: this morning
12.Last shoes worn: the only shoes ive worn all semester, my brown leather totally boring shoes.
13.Last item bought: becides food, a magazine when I was drunk at the aeroport on spring break.
14.Last annoyance: being called a lier.
15.Last time wanting to die: the day after the rugby formal, and it had nothing at all to do with the rugby formal. Other then that, that Tuesday when I missed all my Tuesday classes and went to al my Monday classes then sat on the cathedral steps and cryed for at least an hour and had a total meltdown. Other then that, when I didn’t get accpeted to Tulane, and other then that, probably in 6th grade.
16.Last time scolded: my mother telling me not to get in the car with drunk drivers.

RELATIONSHIPS:
1.Who are your best friends? Hillary colleen and my girls from home, (they all know who they are) courtney from florida, scott, and as for college, my roomates, katie and 8th floor hallmates the girls ive met through hillary and alli and the guys ive met through dave. ive met a sprinkling of boys who have best friend potential definetly, jesse and shane are up there ofcourse. Best friends are hard to all name, because I think you can spend lots of time with different people at different spirts and even if you loose tuch with them, your stil always going to be best friends because when you see them again, you just start off where you left off. And then there are colleen and hillary who I never reall loose tuch with no matter how much time goes bettween when we see eachother. Its like we don’t have to keep up an effort to see eachother daily, there just always around somehow.
2.Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? There are boys who ive been with that I feel extremely loyal to in a friendship/ would do anything for them way. There are boys who I talk to in a boyfriend/girlfriendish way and daydream about in a crush kind of way. And then there is one boy who I would someday love to spend the rest of my life with, the only boy ive ever met who I can look into his face and see our children. I think boyfriend is a word that has degrees really. I feel affectionet twords plently of different people, and ive never really understood why were only supposed to love one person. Im pritty sure that will wear off with childhood and fade away into solid grown up love for that one person.
1.Where is your favorite place to shop? My moms and roses jewlrey box, my cousins handme down garbage bags full of clothing, and outlets I suppose.
what does this have to do with relationships?
2.Any tattoos or piercing?: one of each, both hidden, I thought I answerd that?

SPECIFICS:
1.Do you do drugs? I don’t really concider marijuana to be a drug. Alcohol certainly is, and ive done other drugs but not as frequently as I smoke, and certainly not as frequently as I drink.
2.What kind of shampoo do you use? Mm pantine proV, and Aussie stuff. I donno I swich it up
3.What are you most scared of? Bordem, rejection, growing old and being unattractive, loseing him, anything happening to my sister and brother. Getting raped and not being able to fight back. Not getting good grades, getting caught.
4.What are you listening to right now? Dark side of the moon, the explosion just happened after the bike thing. By the way
5.Where do you want to get married? Maybe my grandmas front wrap around porch, definetly outside somewhere
6.How many buddies are online? Not many its 2:16 am
7.What would you change about yourself? If I wassnt so vain, if it were easyer for me to be faithfull, organizational habbits, I wish I could stop loseing things, I wish I didn’t worry so much about my grades. That’s about it, that’s not that bad? I mostly like what is there.

FAVORITES:
1.Color: probably yellow. Green and brown looks good onme though. By yellow for everything else.
2.Food: vera cruz nachos hands down
3.Girls Names: Madison Rosemarie Chandali Eva Ella gosh so many
4.Boys Names:Xavior Maxwell Jesse Miguel Romeo
5.Subjects in school: english writing, english lit, astronomy, poetry, anthropoly
6.Animals: lygers and tygons and bears oh my! Nah giraffs, humans babys,
7.Sports: to play , rugby running (is that a sport) to watch, football, basketball rugby

HAVE YOU EVER?
1.Given anyone a bath? Yes I have younger siblings
2.Smoked? last summer I was high more then not I believe? Ive never smoked a cigarette, ive smoked maybe 10 cloves total. Ive smoked chronic byaccident, never smoked opium, and I love cigars but they are for rare occasions
3.Bungee jumped? Colleen and I once tied my bedsheets together and climbed out my window. That isnt even near close
4.Made yourself throw up? I think the amount of tequila I drink in intervals can be conciderd suicidal. Ive thrown up when I was sick to by stickin my finger down my throat.
5.Skinny-dipped? Definetly. 2 weeks ago on an island, and abundantly one recklessly fun summer with colleen
6.Been in love? Definetly. Nothing will compare to last summer.
7.Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Like its my job.
8.Pictured your crush naked? Or your professor, or your T.A, or your guy friend, or your guy friend’s guy friend, or the guy behind the counter at the regester, yes yes yes and yes again.
9.Seen your crush naked? Most of the time sooner or later, but they’ve usually evolved into something more then a crush by that time.
10.Cried when someone died? Absolutly.
11.Lied? like its my job
12.Fallen for your best friend? Like, taken a fall for your best friend? Or fallin in romantic love with your best friend? Because the former definetly but no, im not to attracted to blondes
13.Been rejected? Not when I was sober. : )
14.Rejected someone? I uasually just avoid the situation, rejection sucks for everyone man
15.Used someone? Not in a real mean way, like for money or a burrito or something. And never when the using wassnt mutual.
16.Done something you regret? Ive done things that in retrospect probably would have been better not doing, but I don’t really believe in regretting anything. The past is the past its not to much use wigging out about.

CURRENT:
1.Clothes? paint stained cords & oxford sweatshirt
2.Music? what's left of the flag- flogging molly I listen to this song far too damn much
3.Make-up? fuck that shit
4.Annoyance? I have a test on Tuesday
5.Smell? dorm room
6.Favorite artist? *grins* mi poeta favorita! muah!
7.Desktop picture? Boondock Saints! The boys lighting their cigarettes with the prayer above them.
8.Book you’re reading? Existentialism bullshit
9.Cd in player? I have no idea, and I'm not getting up to check
10.Dvd in player? I have no idea
11.Color of toenails? uhhh toenail colored?

LAST PERSON:
1.You touched? Probably colleen, while we were laughing about how funny my math homework seemed to be
2.Hugged? colleen yesterday, it was a well diserved hug too. And a needed one.
3.You imed? Markey p
ARE YOU:
1.Understanding? mostly likely a smaller fraction than I think I do.
2.Open-minded? I would like to think so. yes
3.Arrogant? absolutly. And why not be.
4.Insecure? more then I would like to admitt, but less then the average joe I think..
5.Interesting? I think absurdly interesting things happen to me, im not sure why, maybe its just chance, or maybe I attract weirdness
6.Hungry? not in a food or drink sort of way.
7.Smart? im an idiot its 2:38 and im awake I have a quiz tommorw and homework to do, I make the worlds worst decisions, I have trouble remebering my pin number, but I get pritty good grades, and a lot of real good ideas : )
8.Moody? yes but I try to supress it
9.Hardworking? in a scholastic way, in a excercizing way, not in a work force way.
10.Organized? hahahah
11.Healthy? I run a lot, yeah, I eat really bad food and drink far to much. But I don’t smoke cigarettes.
12.Shy? never
13.Attractive? to some.
14.Bored easily? Only when it comes to my hair.
15.Responsible? more so than anyone really notices.
16.Obsessed? with schoolwork, yes, with being in shape,yes, but that’s about all I hope
17.Angry? I thought I was done with that in middle school, hm maybe not.
18.Sad? only when I get bad grades.
19.Disapointed? never
20.Happy? good question. I don’t think ill know that till 6 months later when I look back
21.Hyper? not so much no
22.Trusting? blindly
23.Talkative? probably
24.Legal? I got through customs alright? Right? : )

WHO DO YOU WANNA:
1.Kill? parts of me. This guy, he didn’t even do anything to me, but he fucked with the wrong person, and I don’t really wanna kill him, I wanna kick him in the head.
2.Slap? just get me drunk
3.Get high with? Sarah, hillary, alli lily james scott my dad duffy jesse shane akoua
4.Look like? Theres sad jealous regions of me who would say shakira. Way to go scott. But other then that no one really.
5.Talk to offline? That’s quite the joke
7.Hang out with? Duffy, I miss that kid, servier kids, akoua, my sisters n brothers, my dad scott …wow, everyone
RANDOM:
1.In the morning I am: ignoring my alarm clock. And probably nakid
2.All I need is: music
3.Love is: destroying me
4.I dream about: being kidnapped.

WHICH IS BETTER?
1.Coke or Pepsi: waterd down ice tea
2.Flowers or Candy: flowers
3.Tall or short: there both really good
4.Liquor or beer? Absolutly and most possitivly beer

RANDOM:
1.What do you notice first: what I like
2.Last person you danced with: a bookbag (true)
Thursday...
3.Worst question to ask: (only colleen will get this one) hey jesse? Do you know if you can get rid of clamidiya? Just wondering. (dhaha!!!)
4.Who makes you laugh the most? Colleen, katie,hillary when shes high, shane, scott, (scott when hes high)
5.Who makes you smile: everyone. absoultly
6.Who gives you a funny feeling: what a weird question.
7.Who do you have a crush on: im flighty, that changes week to week, this week its pritty lame though,
8.Who has a crush on you? Probably someone awful
DO YOU EVER?:
1.Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone to IM you: no I leave it open and walk away and then get pissed when I come back and they have and I missed it
2.Save conversations: just long enough to read them a gajillion times
3.Wish you were a member of the opposite sex….no?
4.Wish you were younger: yeah, my life was fun so far, I wouldn’t mind goin back
5.Cry because someone said something to you: that’s usually the only reason I cry

NUMBER:
1.Of times i have had my heart broken: maybe like 3 times, superficially, once for about 2 days it was in the process hard core, but things changed
2.Of hearts i have broken: I used to think it was fun.
3.Of guys i've kissed: im at college. No comment.
4.Of girls i've kissed: a lot, most of them non sexually. Not all of them.
5.Of continents i have lived in: jesus one.
6.Of tight friends: more then one needs to be happy : )
7.Of cds i own?: not as many as I should…
8.Of scars on body: more then on my insides, im grateful for that